The following is a confirmed kill by one of our remote members, Bludgeoner of Mullets. She named it "Lars Ulrich Napster Interview.mp3" and it was, in fact, our "Metallica Fairy Tale" spot. Keep up the good work!

I think that it is rude, selfish and stupid that you would have to title your voices as Metallica on Napster so that people would download it. If you were good enough you would not have to conceal it but people would download it anyways but I guess that you are afraid that you are not good enough so that people would download you so you hide under the name of a great band. Well if you are that stupid and sorry please stay under your own name so true Metallica fans will not have to wate there precious time with your insolence. There are songs out there I could have been downloading but instead i was stuck wasting 30 minutes to download that garbage that you put out there on the internet. Napster should not be wasted like this. I think your comments were childish because you should respect a band as great as Metallica is, was, and always will be. Your 2nd grade antics do not amuse me and I believe that your company is trash. Please do not waste my time because you have to hide under good labels to sell your garbage. If you were good enough which apparently you aren't you wouldn't have to hide in Metallica's awesome shadow but cast one of your own. That was sorry to waste my hardrive space and my time downloading something I thought would be worthwhile but instead I received you downgrading Metallica, frankly, you all suck.

You can join in the fun! Go to our Download section and help The Whatevermen!

The Whatevermen's Responses to this fine letter

Cyborg X-7 Says:
I'm so glad that Michael here has proven a point which would have been self-centered for us to make. Michael is a true example of just how necessary our services are. Let's look at this point-by-point.

Look how vehemently he defends Metallica. In direct opposition to your standard idol-worship phenomenon, he continues to do what this "great" band with an "awesome shadow" has explicitly forbid him to do: Here he is on Napster, downloading away. In fact, he almost makes me want to take the hand of Lars Ulrich and march right beside him in this cause. After all the names this manequin has called us, he's nothing but a hypocrite -- he claims to idolize this band, and yet they've asked him nicely to stop doing something and he hasn't complied. Didn't they prove years ago with Ozzy Ozbourne, in the court of public opinion, that you're supposed to do everything the rock star says?

He calls what we have done "insolence," which if Ulrich could use words that big he would have probably called the actions of this clod. This is in fact exactly the response we wished to incite with our material; in a sense, "Goddammit, I was gonna rob that bank, what the hell did you do that for?!" Like the guy who gets upset at everyone but himself when he gets busted for cheating on his wife, this guy's got a lot of misplaced anger.

"Napster should not be wasted like this." Well, pardon me but I just happened to notice you were committing larceny from your parents' computer (notice I'm taking the high road here and assuming his parents are not divorced). Give me a legitimate use for Napster and I'll stop sending you our stuff.

Speaking of legitimate uses for Napster, he suggests early on that our group (he doesn't seem to know whether we're a group -- as in boy band -- or a band, or a company) doesn't see ourselves as good enough to post our stuff on Napster with our real name on it (or at least "The Whatevermen"). In pure textbook form, he buys the lie that unknown bands can make it on the Internet. Unless you already have a 20,000-strong fan base from touring Southern California, and they can consistently push your songs up the mp3.com charts, have you ever heard of an unknown band making it on the Internet? Let me put it another way: Before you saw this website, what are the chances you would have done a search for "The Whatevermen" on Napster? Or anywhere else, for that matter? That's right. While the RIAA authorized the release of just 2,900 albums in 1999, Napster signed up over 17,000 unknown and unsigned groups in the past 12 months. Have you heard of any of them? I didn't think so.

Chances are this (in our best estimation) 14-to-16-year-old heard about Metallica through all the standard channels: Rolling Stone, MTV, CHR (Top 40) Radio, and their prominent marketing throughout record stores and places that sell posters and t-shirts. He didn't hear about -- or grow to worship -- Metallica from the "Get Discovered on Napster!" crap he handed us in this e-mail. The record industry owns radio stations, owns MTV, owns magazines, AND they own Metallica. Metallica is four pieces of ringed-up white trash who were in the right place at the right time and could not command the crowds they do without the help of a handful of companies who are so powerful they once made Vanilla Ice popular.

I can only say it so many ways: You wouldn't like Metallica if it weren't for the packaging. Okay, maybe some of you would, but certainly not even the 400,000 Napster users that good 'ol Lars discovered. We work within the interest of seeing each and every one of you make your own decisions about things, and to have the sense to know when the entertainment industry is making you believe you have a choice. Looks like poor old Mike here is going to be the record industry's whore for quite some time. And when -- Oops -- they do it again, he'll be right there in line with his twenty bucks.

The Whatevermen invite your intelligent comments (for an example of unintelligent comments, see above). Write us at [email protected]. We sincerely promise that if you don't make an ass of yourself or cut us down, we won't put your letter on this page :-).